Dear Dr. Fish:

My roommate and I have been friends since freshman year (we’re now juniors). Things had been going relatively well up until a couple months ago. As my boyfriend and I have been getting more serious, my roommate has started hanging out with a new group of friends.

At first, it wasn’t a big deal - she’d come home late and drunk on weekend nights. Now, there are some nights when she doesn’t come home, and, when she does, she is usually out of it. I think she is doing more than drinking. Her grades are sliding because she’s not making it to class and isn’t studying.

From a roommate perspective, things aren’t that bad. But, I’m concerned about her and don’t know what to do. I’ve made passing comments before, but she just ignores me. I’m afraid to confront her, mainly because I don’t know what to say. Should I talk to her? Should I tell her parents?

Name Withheld

Dear NW:

This really is a tough situation - and one that happens more often than you’d think. College can be a tough time, especially if one thinks they are losing a friend. Some people find themselves a little aimless, lacking a grounding influence, and end up falling in with people who give them a “home.”

I often recommend to individuals in this situation to reach out and lend a hand. If you have another close friend, then I recommend that the two of you express yourselves in a gentle and empathetic manner, which is usually well received. Just tell her why you are worried - point out the things you wrote in your note. Be careful about sounding to “parent-like,” as the last thing your roommate needs is to feel criticized and infantilized. Maybe you can suggest that you and she spend more time together.

As I’m sure you are aware, the earlier an intervention can take place, the greater the success in overcoming any addiction issues, if, in fact, that is what is going on. If her grades are declining and she isn’t going to class, there may also be an underlying depression that should be addressed.

As for telling her parents, I think that comes down to how worried you are and what consequences you are willing to live with. If you do tell her parents, you can probably expect an explosive reaction from your roommate, which may make living with her even more problematic. That said, if, after discussing the issue with her, there has been no change, I do recommend that you get some names from the college counseling center and encourage her to make an appointment. You must remember that you are a concerned friend, not a professional therapist, so act like one, and it should be more natural and easier for you. Good luck.