A couple weeks back, Dr. Fish offered to help you with your roommate problems. As you can imagine, there are plenty of them out there. Over the next couple weeks, Dr. Fish will address your roommate issues (stay tuned to see if he gets to yours).

Dear Dr. Fish:

I have two roommates, both of whom were friends of mine, but didn’t really know each other very well before we all moved in. In just a couple months, they’ve become best buds, and, now I feel like I’m intruding in their little twosome. I know it sounds childish, but I feel left out. I’ve tried to drop little hints, but nothing. Should I do something, say something or just deal with it? Thanks.

Sara

Dear Sara:

The first thing to know about this situation is that it is very common - among roommates and among friends. People - particularly young adults - cycle through relationships based upon what is going on in their lives. It might be class schedules, hobbies or commonalities that lead relationships to highs and lows.

Right now, it might just be that there is a new found connection between your other two roommates. That can make friendships fresh and exciting for people. But, that doesn’t mean that you should be the odd roommate out nor should you interpret their relationship in this manner.

Here’s my advice: Don’t just “deal with it” as you suggest. I’m guessing that, in dealing with it to date, you might have developed a resentment toward them that might be interfering with two things: Your ability to deal with the living situation appropriately as well as how your roommates are viewing you. After all, who wants to be around the bitter roommate?

So, take a deep breath and try to push the reset button. Instead of making little comments about feeling left out (if you have) or moping, make yourself available. Don’t try to create a wedge between them or drive them apart. Instead, create situations where the three of you can hang out.

Also, I think you might need a blast of self-confidence. Remember, you were friends with both of them - they like you enough to want to live with you. Keep that in mind and try to get back to having fun with your friends - and being a good roommate. After all, that’s what it is all about. Do be careful, though, about “trying too hard” as looking desperate may create a further disconnect.

Lastly, if you don’t think you can get there on your own, by all means, talk to your roommates about how you are feeling. But, I suggest you do it by explaining how you are feeling rather than accusing them of anything. Use “I” statements, where you share your feelings based on an observation of what’s going on as opposed to an accusation of their behavior. It minimizes the defensive reaction typical of feeling accused.

I hope this helps. Please let me know how it goes.

Have any of you readers been in a similar situation? What did you do?