As a clinical psychologist for more than 15 years, there are certain behaviors I see or hear of frequently. One of them is that of an aggressive roommate, partner or friend – particularly among those who are moving away from home for the first time. This often comes up as a question about how to handle this person and whether certain behavior is a red flag for other problems.

This was the case this weekend, when a former patient, a college sophomore who I’ll call “Jake,” had came home for Thanksgiving and wanted to touch base with me.

He explained a disturbing story to me about how one of his two roommates began acting in a way Jake was unfamiliar and uncomfortable with. Jake indicated that his roommate began acting very uncharacteristically, throwing fruit at his bedroom door, hanging objects from the ceiling with crude and rude comments about Jake, and, overall, acting like a bully. There did not seem to be any precipitant for this type of behavior, and it greatly concerned and confused Jake. He wasn’t sure how to react or how to process this behavior.

In our session, we discussed two issues in the context of potential problem solving opportunities. One was how to communicate his concerns to his roommate and see if any effective dialogue could be established. Rather than deal with it through passive-aggressive behavior, I recommend a calm, respectful face-to-face discussion.

We also discussed the second issue, which is more in the form of a caveat that Jake and others should be watchful of. As college students, particularly those of the “underclassmen” ranks, they have many stressors with which they have to contend. Strange behavior may simply be “strange” behavior, but that type of behavior may also be explained by other factors, such as stress, emotional instability, drug use or other problems a student may be experiencing. Young adults should be on the look out for any of these outside factors in assessing and coping with any unusual behavior.

As it turns out, Jake was able to discuss this situation with his roommate in a very assertive yet respectful manner and, at this point, the issue of this strange behavior has been resolved.

That said, in looking at this individual situation, I recommended to my patient that, if the “appropriate” behavior lasts more than just a couple of months, then he should feel somewhat confident that it was more “bullying” type of behavior that his roommate can control. However, if his roommate resorts back the same behavior that created this conflict in the first place, it may be a sign of greater issues for which his roommate may need help.

Either way, in dealing with these types of roommate conflicts, you should assess for both acute as well as enduring patterns of behavior that should shed light on your best method of coping with the conflict.

Keep in mind that being a good roommate is also important - particularly when others are going through stressful times. WilliamPaid’s roommate relationship tips are a good starting point.