In a 2008 University of Michigan study - conducted by Amy Canevello and Jennifer Crocker at the UM Institute for Social Research - researchers showed that nearly everyone living with a roommate could create a positive relationship — even if they are strangers. The trick is to shift from being self-serving and focused on self-image, to being compassionate and supportive. Nearly all roommate relationships can be improved by being more compassionate and supportive and less self-serving or focused on enhancing one’s own self-image.

I found this premise to be in line with everything I’ve learned from dealing with relationship issues over the years. Below, I’ve summarized some of the study’s findings, along with -most importantly - ways that you can put them into practice in your own situation.

Five Things That Can Improve Roommate Relationships:

1. Be supportive of your roommate. Occasionally, ask your roommate what you can do to help him/her out. Reflect their feeling by saying something such as, “hey, you looked stressed out today, what’s up…anything I can do to help out.”
2. Be aware of the impact that your behavior has on your roommates feelings. Instead of focusing on things about your roommate that annoy you, try to focus on how your own behavior might impact your roommate. With some frequency, don’t be afraid to ask yourself if there may have been something you did to contribute to the problems within the roommate dynamic. Take responsibility and look within first before blaming others.
3. Have compassion for your roommate’s mistakes and weaknesses-these make him/her human. A famous psychiatrist once said that we need to “accept our imperfections.” We all are imperfect beings, and if while trying to deal with our roommates’ shtick we can remember this fact, it will be easier for you to show compassion. Additionally, as you exhibit compassion for other’s mistakes, it will allow others to show compassion for yours, as you are bound to error at some point yourself.
4. Avoid being selfish and self-centered. You and your roommate are responsible for improving your relationship, so look for how you might be contributing to problems or issues (as well as your roommate). Ask your roommate with some consistency if there is anything that you might be doing that he/she feels is hurting the relationship. Be candid with each other, and this openness will create an environment for greater communication and greater relations.
5. Avoid neglecting your relationship with your roommate. When problems come up, discuss them right away. If the issues are not brought to the table, you’ll never solve problems and worse yet, all of your issues will be internalized. Clarify misunderstandings and instead of planning your rebuttal or interrupting, first seek to understand through active listening, than to be understood

Five Things That Can Hurt Roommate Relationships:

1. Trying to be someone you’re not. Be candid and honest, and don’t try to manipulate how your roommate sees you. Remind yourself on a weekly basis of who you are and what you’re about—what your morals and values are and stay true to yourself. It becomes very difficult to maintain a persona that does not come naturally to you.
2. Blame or criticize. It is the easier method to take when you’re frustrated, but it will serve no useful purpose with your roommate. Prior to blaming, make an attempt to understand the method behind your roommates madness…try to make some sense out of the why before you punish, criticize, and blame the who.
3. Try to convince your roommate that you are right or that “its my way or the highway.” The difference between flexibility and rigidity it the difference between compromise and selfishness. Flexibility and compromise will always win out and improve dynamics whereas the alternatives are a sure way to strain and ruin a relationship.
4. Refuse to admit when you are wrong or show weaknesses. As stated earlier, we are all imperfect human beings, and our job to not only to accept and admit our imperfections, but also to model them to allow others to be ok with being imperfect as well.
5. Ignore small problems instead of talking about them in the right away. Many times, small problems can spiral into seemingly irreconcilable issues. In any type of relationship, when problems remain pushed under the rug, they simply grow and develop a life of their own. When future problems arise, it becomes the trigger for disproportionate reactions, as one is reacting to not only what just happened, but also to the clutter of dust that settled under that rug! Make time each day or each week to “read the temperature.” Sit down with your roommate and go over the problems and concerns; changes you desire; ideas to improve the environment; and to generally discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Obviously there are going to be some roommate situations where people care about having a “good relationship” more than others. But if you care at all about getting along, much less making friends, this information will help.

Dr. Jeffrey A. Fishbein
Licensed Clinical/Sport Psychologist

- Dr. Fishbein is on the William Paid Advisory Board. His main areas of practice include working with adolescents, adults – including athletes – who experience a wide range of personal and relationship difficulties.