I just had a knock-down-drag-out fight with my roommate, who has been one of my best friends for many years. Basically, this fight repeats itself all across America every day: One roommate says that the other said or did something that the other person says they didn’t say or do.

No one wants to be accused of saying/doing something that they “know” they didn’t do. And, on the flip side, no one wants to hear that what they “know” the other person said/did, they didn’t.

A few bruises later, here are some hard lessons learned (a/k/a rules of engagement):

1. Don’t use email. Yes, email is a great way to put your thoughts in writing, but tone and intent can’t be accurately conveyed. Further, with the automatic ability to respond immediately, the argument can get much more heated with words that you might not otherwise say to the person. Pick up the phone or schedule a time to talk in person. You might want to meet outside your apartment at a more public place, which could cause both of you to keep things more in check.
2. Don’t forget that there are two realities. You have your reality, and your roommate has his or hers. And, probably, there is a third reality, which is likely the more accurate one. If you can acknowledge that the person is conveying their reality - and they acknowledge the same of you, the pressure may be off.
3. Don’t ignore your relationship. If this is a good friend, consider the source. While he or she may have (or may not have) done or said something hurtful, your friend wouldn’t intentionally do that to you. Often the argument becomes about the argument - the he said, she said of it - rather than the actually point.
4. Don’t bring up the past. Limit the discussion to the topic at hand. It does no one any good to bring up what he/she said or did months/years ago. You resolved that months/years ago, so move on.
5. Don’t be hesitant to admit when the other person is right. Simple, right? Whether it is the time line or specific facts, agree. After all, if you agree, you agree. Isn’t that the point? Also, it’s not conceding if you can see the other person’s perspective - it’s maturity.

Most importantly, put yourself in your friend’s shoes. Would you do/say the same thing if you were in their shoes? By seeing that you probably would defend your position vehemently (like you are), you might be able to take a step back and see that arguing about the argument or getting caught up in the argument is not the point.

The thing about fights like this is that no one “wins.” If both individuals come from a place of honesty, both end up feeling badly - both for themselves and for the other person.

After a flurry of emails, voice messages and conversations, I’m happy to say that my roommate and I kissed and made up. At least, I think we did.