Dear Dr. Fish:

While my roommate is “fine,” I just would prefer not to socialize with her. I have a great group of friends - she doesn’t. She often tries to glom onto our activities. Now, we are planning a Spring Break trip, and she is angling for the invite. I don’t want to mean, but it’s just that we don’t really want her to come. What’s the best way of handling this?

Costa Rica Here We Come

Dear Spring-Breakers:

I applaud your maturity and attention to her feelings because sometimes it can be easier to just cut someone like this loose. This relationship falls somewhere in the vast friendship spectrum between acquaintance and friend. That is, you don’t really dislike her; you just don’t really like her.

You really have two issues to deal with: the everyday situation and then Spring Break. Let’s look at the easier one first: Spring Break. The reason that this one is probably the easiest is because there are many external “reasons” you can use to let your roommate down easily.

I certainly am not advocating lying, but, because you live with her and will have an ongoing relationship, I do think that you should continue to be cognizant of her feelings. In these instances, pointing to outside reasons can create a more comfortable situation for everyone.

It might be that there are reasons why you are limited to the number of people that can come - travel arrangements, room assignments, costs, “they invited me.” While these may provide you with the reason you need to give your roommate, I would recommend that you speak with her about it sooner rather than later.

Take the pressure off of the situation by explaining why you can’t invite her. This way, she won’t spend time worrying about whether she will be invited, and you don’t spend time worrying about how to tell her that she can’t come.

I do suggest, though, that, after you have this uncomfortable conversation, you work hard at limiting your conversations and planning meetings (and, afterwards, stories about how great the trip was) when she is around. There is no point in rubbing it in.

Now, to the everyday situations where you’d prefer not to invite her. This can be a tough balancing act - the more you invite her in recognition of her feelings, the more of a precedent it becomes and the more likely it is that she will be hurt when she isn’t invited.

If you are sure that she isn’t destined to become even a fringe member of your group, maybe you can carve out a little time together so she feels some connection to you. Because you said she is “fine,” it sounds like spending a little bit of time with her wouldn’t hurt you. And, your lease will be up shortly.